BANGALORE BANISHES BIRDS - INSIGHT INDIA

In Juhu, Bombay, in '85, we woke up to the merry racket of a thousand sparrows in a bushy tree. Bulbuls fluted bubbly tunes in the peepul opposite our window. And the green of little coppersmiths flitted among the tree's leaves. Gangs of plump mynas hopped around on the grass, pecking breakfast, shrieking like kids at play.

We came to Bangalore that year. The town was much greener than Bombay. But there were fewer birds. Many trees here were ornamental, not the kind bearing the fruits birds like.

So what's the scene like today in globalized Bangalore? There's not a single sparrow to be seen. On a lucky day you may hear a lone bulbul fluting. If you walk around a while you may see a myna. Not in a noisy, playful group. Just one or a pair. They are not plump any more. They look thin. Starved. And they rarely make a sound. At best, a feeble cheep.

The number of glass buildings and big cars are growing by the day in Bangalore. But the city has banished birds. No, that's not the whole truth. You will see a lot more crows than before. And that's because there's a lot more garbage lying on the roadsides.

Sorry, these lines are not funny. Maybe they are sad. And if this is the way globalization is going, maybe there's a lot more sadness awaiting those who are celebrating today. (For more INDIA INSIGHT stories see www.myspace.com/india_realities)

INSIGHT INDIA - RENAMING ACHIEVEMENTS

In Portland, Oregon, they told me Madras was a little way north. There's no Madras any more in India though. The name was changed to Chennai. Bombay and Calcutta too were renamed Mumbai and Kolkata. As this kind of patriotic progress continues in India more names 'smelling' of foreign rule, some known worldwide, will vanish. And soon Bangalore - of 'Bangalored' fame - will be (un)known as Bengalooru.

To find those vanished names you'll have to go to less patriotic lands. Like the U.S. - which has no less than six Delhis, from towns to small communities. Besides, America has hundreds of place and street names in-sourced freely from across the world.

For those Indian politicians who thrive on instant achievements like changing city names, the patriotism meter reading for the U.S. is a big fat zero. But you can bet they are waiting for superpower numero uno to outsource the work, so that they can change Madras to Chennai and so on in the U.S.

BUSHY FAIRYTALES - LUCKY MIDDLE EAST!

It seems there will be no quick end to the good Mr. Bush and friends will do before they decide enough is enough. Crony Blair is already swinging as Special Envoy to bring peace to the Middle East. No peaceful retirement for him. But if there's anyone who can turn that whole region (not just Iraq) into a haven of tranquillity - other than GWB himself - it's Blair. Lucky Middle East!

Let's think what other Bush friends can do for the world after retirement.

Rumseld will make an ideal Special Envoy for Human Rights. No greater lover of human rights anywhere on this earth. And Dick Cheney? Oh, he'll be a fine Special Envoy for Environment Protection. No one better qualified. Oil companies and those reconstructing Iraq (after a thorough deconstruction) will heave a huge sigh of relief.

What about President Bush himself? You bet he'll be the best Special Envoy to Denmark. Denmark? Yes, Denmark. Why Denmark? Because it's the home of Hans Christian Andersen, the master of fairytales. Because Bush is no mean fairytale teller himself. Remember? Saving the world from WMD? Saving Iraq from Iraqis? Mission Accomplished? Remember how dashing he looked on that warship's deck in a fighter pilot's suit?

When those four Special Envoys have accomplished their missions, we can all sit back, put up our feet on the rubble and say: 'What a lucky world!'

INSIGHT INDIA - ANOTHER WAY TO GET BANGALORED

Here's another way to get Bangalored. Lesser known than outsourcing. And it happens if you are innocent enough to trust the dictionary meaning of words. In Bangalore-speak, for example, 'It will be definitely done,' could as well mean 'You can keep on hoping,' or 'I'll forget about this in two minutes.' 'I'll see you tomorrow,' could mean the speaker will see you next week, next month, or anywhere from here to eternity. 'It'll work. 100%. Guaranteed,' could mean 'It depends on your luck, man,' or 'Don't be stupid! Who can guarantee anything on this earth?'

Luckily, there are exceptions. People who betray Bangalore-speak.

So this is one way to get Bangalored you can easily avoid. How? Just don't trust your dictionary. That's the trick. Simple enough. I assure you it will work. Definitely! Guaranteed! A 100%!

THE FUNNY THING ABOUT YOUR CALORIE BANK ACCOUNT - HEALTHTIPS

The funny thing about your body's CALORIE bank account is that it works the same way as your MONEY bank account, but has the opposite consequences.

MONEY income > expenditure = growing bank balance = Happy Guy.

CALORIE income (intake) > expenditure = growing bank balance = Unhappy Guy.

(Why? Because the excess calories are converted into fat and stored as deposits in different parts of the body. Including the wrong ones, like the arteries. So you're going to put on weight. And that won't make anyone happy except a Skinny who's trying to pad up.)

The ideal CALORIE account situation is where (if you are trim and fit) your intake is more or less equal to your expenditure. Your body weight wiil then remain more or less the same. And that, in general, is an indicator of good health. Obviously, if you're overweight you need to reduce intake or increase expenditure, or do both. You must do that in a medically regulated way. And how will you check if you are doing it right? Some people calculate the calories in every bit of food they eat. Those are people with too much time (and food?) on their hands. Others check their weight every day, at times every morning and evening. Those are people who believe in magic. The simplest practical way is to check your weight once in two weeks or so.

Well, good luck! May you keep your CALORIE bank balance at a low happy level.
(For more simple Health and Fitness Tips see the side bar.)

INSIGHT INDIA - BANGALORED PAVEMENTS

Welcome to Bangalore! India's IT hub. And a franticity of infrastructure developments. Take one fascinating example. The brand new pavements. A potential tourist attraction. Come with your cameras. Take pictures. But don't try to step up and walk on them...without a walking stick. In places you may have to climb heights of over a foot. And the height varies unpredictably through the length of any pavement. In addition similar ups and downs and other impediments are provided on the pavement. To test your agility. And nerve. Locals prefer to walk on the road and risk the haywire traffic. But those pavements are beautiful. To look at. Solid concrete. Obviously, the more the concrete dumped on them, the higher the cost of the project. That should make some people very, very happy.

So...if you want to see some of the finest, user-unfriendly pavements anywhere, don't go anywhere else. Come to globalized Bangalore. Don't forget your camera, pal. And a walking stick. (More INSIGHT INDIA stories at www.myspace.com/india_realities)

INSIGHT INDIA - CROSSING A BANGALORED STREET

Here's how to cross a busy street in a globalized Indian city like Bangalore. Yes, even at a clearly-marked zebra. Before you take a step it's advisable to look LEFT, RIGHT, BEHIND and UP. Why UP? you'll surely ask me. Is it because of the heavy helicopter traffic of software CEO's flying to work? No. That's still exceptional. But a falling tree branch or live electric cable is not tOO exceptional. Specially in the rains. Besides, by looking UP you are signalling to the Almighty that you're about to cross...and commending yourself to His protection.That's called double insurance.

Remember this safety routine. LEFT. RIGHT. BEHIND. And UP. And, once you've crossed safely, don't forget to say a brief: 'Thank you, God!' (More India Insight stories at www.myspace.com/india_realities)


[Pradeep says: 'What about looking DOWN? What about potholes?' I assumed potholes were impossible at a clearly-marked zebra, even in globalized Bangalore. But I could easily be wrong. A pothole of thanks to you, Pradeep!]